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June 19, 2019

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My failed 2015 new year’s resolution - It wasn’t even a close shave

By Fred Steiner
In 2015 I resolved to succeed with a manly plan. Thought it would be like riding a bike. It wasn’t. 
While watching “Skyfall,” I saw Miss Moneypenny shave James Bond with a straight edge razor. You probably didn’t notice. I did.
If Moneypenny could do it so could I. It looked…manly.
My grandfather and his before him used one.  They were manly.
I even own my grandfather's razor strap and straight edge.  Never saw him use it, but I could feel it my genes just thinking about it. And, it might enable me to commune with all the straight edged males in the family tree.
I looked up straight edge on the Internet because I wanted my own. Found prices  from $9.95 up to $300. I ordered the $9.95 model.
Figuring shaving with a straight edge was like bike riding, how could I screw this up?
It was like Christmas morning when it arrived. This was going to work. But, it didn’t.
I shaved and shave and shaved. I angled the blade this way and that. I took tiny strokes. I took long strokes. I inched the blade in slow motion. Not a hair on my chin came loose. I even tried dear old grandpa’s blade. It didn’t work, either.
I took my problem to my barber, Stoney. He said something like, “you either can do it or you can’t.”

Following research on the Internet, I learned two straight edge razor camps exist: “You can either do it, or you can’t.”
One camp says it’s the closest shave you’ll ever experience in your life.  There’s nothing like it. The other camp say, it doesn’t work. Ask for your money back.
I wanted to experience the closest shave in my life. I wanted to wipe the blade back and forth on the strap, just like grandpa did.
It didn’t happen.
It makes me think back to the “Skyfall” shaving scene with Bond and Moneypenny. And I wonder. Was she really shaving Bond? It looked too easy.
Nah. It was a phony shave. Had to be.
Sorry, grandpa. I really tried. But, it wasn’t even a close shave.