Seinfeld fans will understand this column attempt. It is truly about nothing.

A banker, a coffee shop owner and a retired chamber director walk into a bar.

Make that a bar and grill. No, make that “meet a bar and grill owner and coffee shop owner in the alley parking lot behind the coffee shop.”

It’s Friday morning. Each admits he doesn’t want to go to work – but in reality that is not true.

Minutes before, with cups in hands, the banker and retired chamber director purchase coffees-to-go.

Minutes later, the coffee shop and bar and grill owner unload two enormous containers of coffee from a van.

The four converge and the following unfolds:

The bar and grill owner and the coffee shop owner offer – make that, insist - the banker and retired chamber director take some coffee.

“Sorry. Our cups are full,” reply the two coffee-to-go holders – secretly cursing their ill-timed purchases.

Following a summation of the state of business affairs on Main Street, the four pounce into collaboration of every possible scheme to attract people to downtown Bluffton.

Consider:

•  A waterslide (for one day only) from Main and Cherry ending at Riley Creek.

• A raffle allowing the winner to “taze” one of the four in the discussion.

• A midnight new year’s eve bungee-jump off the town hall clock tower.

• Free coffee for life as the prize for someone willing to perform various stunts in public.

Alas, prior to agreeing on a plan, the discussion turned to the question: “Does one key unlock and turn on every police cruiser and sheriff vehicle in Allen County?”

Due to getting off the subject, nothing is resolved.

To be continued.